Automotive Profiling
The Mercury Grand Marquis is, to me, an interesting car. But not because of the car itself… I find it interesting because of the people who drive it. The Mercury Grand Marquis seems to be the one automobile whose driver can be described to a T without even being seen.
The Grand Marquis is essentially the same vehicle as the Ford Crown Victoria ( commonly used as taxicabs and police cars, and no longer built save for fleet purchases ) and the Lincoln Town Car ( the most popular vehicle for black-car services ). And it’s a nice car… roomy, sturdy, smooth-riding… classic American styling, with understated lines. The Mercury logo does leave something to be desired, though.
Anyhow, it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, and I’ve been wanting to jabber about something inconsequential, so let me tell you about the folks who drive the Mercury Grand Marquis…
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The odds are about 4 in 5, according to my highly scientific cab driver observational research notes, that when you find yourself stuck behind a Mercury Grand Marquis, the driver will be:
- male;
- caucasian;
- seated with an erect posture, holding both hands on the steering wheel;
- living on a double dip of Social Security and a union pension;
- of retirement age, but not elderly;
- freshly barbered… and I do mean barbered. The men who drive a Grand Marquis very definitely do NOT frequent stylists;
- a member of a fraternal organization;
- as likely on his way to Sears as anywhere else, or if it’s a Sunday morning, on his way to the nearby Methodist church, or if it’s Sunday and services are over, he’s on his way to Bob Evans and then on to Sears ( if you don’t believe me, follow them around… you’ll see );
- the paternal head of a reasonably successful, well-behaved family, now comfortably into its third generation;
- making every turn slowly, and with considerable deliberation;
- and driving between 5 and 10 miles per hour below the posted speed limit.
These men do not talk on cell phones while they drive, and while they’re commonplace in major urban areas, they never live in the city itself… they are suburbanites to their very core.
Their wives long-ago mastered the use of the deflavorizing machine for dinner preparation, and you will never see a Grand Marquis parked in the lot of a Thai restaurant.
The men who drive the Mercury Grand Marquis are, I am certain, good men… responsible husbands and fathers and grandfathers, and generally upstanding citizens. But I always have they feeling that they never learned how to have fun.
It is a nice car, though.
October 6th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
I’m going to watch for this next time I’m out driving. There are several of those cars on my block, and it holds true for these neighbors.
We don’t have a Bob Evans though. Another of the many reasons I need to move to Ohio.
October 6th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Bob Evans? I hate those places… they make me feel claustrophobic ’cause the tables are so close together. The last time I was in a Bob Evans, I ordered eggs benedict, and the eggs were fried. When I asked about that, the server told me that’s how they do eggs benedict because… they don’t have egg poachers in their litchens.
October 6th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
I love bob evans. probably b/c it’s exactly like the perkins and village inns we have, only not here. the allure of what we do not have, no?
October 6th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Perkins is far superior…
October 6th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Walked into a Bob Evans once… and walked right back out. Many moons ago.
And, dear God, you are so dead on with the people-behind-the-wheel description. Right down to the Thai restaurant.
Now, Crown Vics… they have some very sturdy back windows…
October 6th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Then I’ll be sure to have the cab handy when you’re in town. I shall be your driver-extraordinaire for the weekend.
October 6th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
You can most certainly be the driver. But, a car may not be necessary.
October 6th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
We’ll need to be able to get from here to there every now and then, though… plus, the cab is actually coming due for its bi-annual rear window stress test.
October 9th, 2007 at 12:51 am
To be technically correct, it was a side window. The back left. Though, surely the back right would… well, no. That’s a false hypothesis.